How Do I Work on Anger in My Relationship?
The most important part of learning how to control anger and frustration in a relationship is identifying your triggers and then coming up with strategic ways to react.
Feeling like you’re in control of your emotions can be a game-changer in your relationship. Use some of the following tips if you want to know how to change your relationship with anger that might be preventing you and your partner from growing together as a couple.
Anger management tips
Think before speaking
Knee-jerk reactions can be terrible when you’re already feeling angry. Learning to take a minute or two and taking a deep breath before responding can do wonders for your relationship. Something as as taking a deep breath really does work. Try counting to 10 if you find it difficult to regain your composure.
This practice can be a useful communication exercise for couples. Eventually with enough practice, you’ll be able to let go of your anger and react in a calm manner that can be more productive and conducive to finding common ground.
Keep calm and say how you’re feeling
After you’ve given yourself a moment or two to calm down and assess the situation, you should be able to identify what you’re really feeling. In a calm manner, explain to your partner why you’re so upset.
It’s OK to be direct and assertive, but avoid the temptation to be confrontational. If you’re angry that your partner was late to dinner again, using an “I statement,” let them know “I’m upset that you’re late for dinner again. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I’m not a priority to you.”
Cognitive restructuring
Understanding how and why we think the way we do can help us change those parts of our behavior. Anger can make us more dramatic and irrational and cause us to say things we don’t mean. By focusing on how we react, avoiding using phrases like always and never, we can recreate how we react to situations. Cognitive restructuring (also known as cognitive reframing), is a common cognitive behavioral technique that helps us turn negative reactions into more positive ones.
Seek a couples therapist
A couples therapist can help you and your partner uncover the root of anger in your relationship. More importantly, they can help you both work on ways to deal with anger in disagreements or when your partner does something that upsets you. This way, you and your partner can actively work on improving your relationship and minimizing the occurrences of anger outbursts.
Walk away
There are those times when yes, you’re going to be very angry. You might need more than just a minute. A deep breath may not do the trick. That’s OK. Knowing when it’s time to walk away is just as important as understanding what your anger trigger is. Physically leaving the room or space you’re in if you need to may give you enough time to collect your thoughts and try to let go of your anger before you attempt to re-approach the situation.
Humor can help
Sometimes your anger can make situations worse than they need to be. Humor can beis always a good technique and tactic to defuse situations. If you can use that first tip to pause for a beat, you might be able to pull something funny out of the situation and react to that, rather than your anger. Humor can be inappropriate in certain situations so be mindful of how your partner is feeling and tread lightly.
Note: we are not talking about sarcasm here, which can be hurtful.
Let go, and mean it
Just like your partner holding a grudge might be an anger trigger for you, if you find that you can’t let go of your own anger, you might want to focus on being able to forgive. Negativity can quickly push out positive and healthy emotions. Feeling overwhelmed with being bitter can mean you need to think about forgiving your partner for whatever they did that upset you.
Forgiveness can be quite powerful. It means you can let go, and part of what you’re letting go of might be some of your unresolved anger issues.
Having a serious conversation with your partner can help you resolve issues and learn to let go.
Learn relaxation techniques
Mindfulness and relaxation skills are beneficial in many areas of our life. Particularly if you’re learning anger management in relationships, deep breathing exercises, visualization, and the use of mantras can be incredibly empowering.
Yoga is another relaxation technique that many people who struggle with excessive anger use to decompress. Any time you’re focusing on yourself and taking care of your own mental health, you’ll probably find that you can be more in control of your anger.
Work out
It’s a well-known and proven fact that exercise reduces stress that can manifest into anger. Particularly if you’re going through a difficult time in your relationship, sometimes removing yourself from the situation and getting your heart rate up by going for a walk, run, or bike ride can help.
Anger can be a healthy emotion, but when it interferes with your relationship and life, you need to learn how to control it. Whether it’s knowing how to control jealousy and anger in a relationship, or it’s any other feeling that’s coming between you and your partner, getting your emotions under control is one of the healthiest things you might ever do.
“Keeping a journal or exercising help release our negative feelings and prevent bottled anger from exploding when we are angry. Additionally, removing yourself from an upsetting situation can be more productive than staying in it when we are angry; we cannot take back what is said in anger.
Know that help is available in the form of individual, family, and group therapy. Looking for a professional when we realize there is a problem can prevent us from doing something that we may regret.
Above all, remember that anger is a ‘normal’ and common feeling; we are human beings. Knowing how to manage it demonstrates maturity and love for yourself and others.”
The Luthas Center therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S
